direction and paradox

Imagine if you can a compass to show you which direction to take in your life; an oracle to direct and guide you. Would that it were so simple.

I like what I am doing for a living but I have a small problem. I perceive that ultimately I cannot make a living for my family in my current occupation. Factors too tedious to explain here limit my earning potential. Before long I will have one son and then another in college.

It seems that I must once again make a choice. To choose what I am doing and know that the years ahead will be a financial strain for all involved; or to change direction and try to limit the financial strain although the job might not be as satisfying.

Ultimately, I know I will choose to support my family by any means I may. If the job is satisfying but the pay is not then in the end the job will eventually become unsatisfying. The flip side is that some jobs are not worth any amount of money. I simply seek the middle ground; a relatively fulfilling job at what I deem a fair salary. A bit of freedom, a bit of direction, the opportunity and resources to create and explore. Finally, the ability to give my wife and sons what they need and maybe a bit of what they don't . I had these things once but had no balance. I did not realize and appreciate what I had and I was at times a work-a-holic. Now I have more free time and appreciate my family but cannot give them all they need much less want. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So it is with a heavy heart that I must update the resume and strike out once again in search of employment, knowing that ultimately, I will likely end up once again in a corporation. Without such corporate support I would have little chance to run wild. The time and money to nurture the animal within is what gave me strength and sanity. How's that for a paradox; a feral man that must accept the bonds and constraints of a corporation to feed his nature?


-The Feral Man